Breaking the Cycle of 'Thrash'

Over the last few years I've been privileged to talk about 'Thrash' to large audiences at several companies, and heard first hand that understanding 'Thrash' at a deeper level can help people and companies be more resilient and adaptable.

The term 'Thrash' has evolved over the years, and is now frequently used in office slang to describe people that are resisting change. I've also been watching and learning how change can affect people and companies—from junior to executive, start-ups to corporate giants—, how this change can lead to 'Thrash', and ways to avoid or mitigate that outcome.

Thrash affects all of us at one or multiple points in our careers, with anecdotal studies showing up to 30% of people facing change in the workplace will actively resist—with this more likely from mid-level managers and individual contributors. I've seen it happen to myself and many others, and while sometimes painful, it's a chance to learn and grow.

In this article I'll share some experiences I've learnt from, and experiences I know many people have also gone through...

A group of managers is talking softly, darting glances at people veering too close, and you unmistakably hear them say “Thrash”. It darts into your ear, ringing like an off tune chord… What is this “Thrash” word? You know deep down it can’t be positive. What does the person saying it mean? And more importantly, was it said about me?

Well, “Thrash” has been said about me. I was new to a role and company, and after the first month it wasn’t going well. I tried to be successful—I was open and transparent, I delivered what I believed was expected, I built relationships. But something was out of tune. I was out of sync with expectations. Months endured before,  painfully, I left the company. Undoubtedly it was painful for them too. And sure, there were other people involved. But I took responsibility for this outcome.

I’m sad to say that I’ve accused people of Thrash too. I was with other leaders and we accused a whole team of it. At first I went along with the crowd. I didn't speak up. But I felt out of tune with my heart. So I talked to the real-life humans and worked to understand them—“Seek first to understand”. I took responsibility for this, and worked with the team to help them find their rhythm and embrace change.

These kinds of experiences are why the term “Thrash” was born—effort isn’t the issue. It’s like a guitarist is playing a guitar with no strings, then “fixing” the problem by playing harder. Or, you're a leader, and after countless conversations with the string-less guitarist they still don’t understand what you want.

I’m sure “Thrash” (or similar), has been said about a lot of us. It’s a tough situation, and there is no “quick fix”.

It can also be hard to know when you are in this situation—instead you’ll feel it. You might feel helpless and think that you don’t have any control, or feel discouraged because you want to help but no one listens, or feel anxious because you want to change the situation but nothing is working, or feel defeated because you are doing good work but it doesn’t seem to matter.

And how does it feel when you’re “observing” this? You might feel helpless and think they are out of control, feel discouraged because you want to help them but they aren’t listening, feel anxious because you want the situation to change but nothing is working, or feel deflated because they are doing “stuff” but not what you’re asking.

Sound similar? Yes, but there is a way you can help yourself or them. I’ve worked through this myself, and I’ve helped others, by concentrating on what I can “Control”, “Influence” and “Accept” (a.k.a CIA model). The earlier you recognise the situation and start this the better, and it’s also a good exercise when you’re starting in a new role or company. 

First, I stop. And breathe. “Stories” about the situation are going through my head, they aren’t helpful. I watch and listen, take note of the situation, and put aside any judgement which also isn’t helpful. I have opinions, but these again aren’t helpful right now. 

If I’m the lead or observer in the situation, I remind myself that this is a person in distress and it’s my responsibility to help them. I seek to understand the person or people and their situation—this could be a new role for them or they aren’t handling a change—and gain new perspectives.  I always try to take the opposite perspective too, it helps.

Second, I make a list with  three headings: Control, Influence and Accept. I section off my expectations, and my lead or report’s or team’s assumed expectations. I use this to talk with my lead or report, and team. Then I listen to understand gaps in expectations and adjust my list further. If the relationship is rocky, I build it up—grab a coffee, chat in the kitchen, message about their weekend. Connect at a personal level. 

Third, now that I have a better understanding—I take action. If I’m getting myself out of the situation, I’ll agree with my lead to work on something in my Control that was in Influence. Then I ask for feedback and keep talking. If I’m the lead, I’ll talk to the person about taking action on an item in Control that was in Influence. I then give feedback, affirming if at all possible, and keep talking.

Fourth, I’ll keep working through this process—getting feedback, resetting expectations, building relationships—and all the differences in expectations until they are aligned. And I have belief that building these relationships, acting with integrity and aligning on expectations will help the situation.

Side note: If you believe you are in a toxic relationship at work, this article won't help. You should seek help and use your company's Employee Assistance Program if available.

There isn’t a quick fix, and even taking these steps sometimes results in people leaving, burning out or quiet quitting. But “Thrash” can be addressed and even prevented with empathy, compassion, and leadership.  You can take responsibility, you can work towards expectations being clear, and you can help bring harmony.